So, just in case you are new to this blog, go ahead and catch up here.

Let’s revisit the topic of a woman’s self-sufficiency. Most people would agree that women are taught conflicting messages about who they should grow up to be. Last post -for those who decided not to look back- I talked about a woman’s strength as a weakness. Being unable to ask for financial help was a very superficial example, just a little taste of what I wanted to get into.

Back to the topic of a woman’s strength. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can damn sure speak for me. To be clear, being a strong woman doesn’t lend itself to a singular, succinct definition, but more a collection of actions that I’ve seen or heard about over the years. It means getting up every morning to go to a job you hate to make sure you have food on the table for your family. It means skimping on your meals to make sure you everyone else enough. It means being able to dig inside yourself and make the impossible possible.

Go back and re-read that last line.

On the surface, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Each of us comes into the world alone and leaves it alone, so self-reliance should be valued by each of us…but some of us overvalue it.

When I say some of us, I am talking about women. I know I just lost someone with that…but bear with me.

Every woman should embody strength. Each. And. Every. Woman. We should value our ability to be able to go out and stand on our own two, while realizing that for a woman to be successful in a relationship, there has to be some give and take. I’m not telling any woman out there to rollover for a man, but I am asking every woman reading this to realize that there has to be a compromise to that virtue when it comes to being in and maintaining a successful relationship.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I know many women -self included- who feel like they have to have something of substance to bring to a relationship. Beauty fades, and that same spark/passion that can be a driving force at the beginning of a relationship has to be replaced by something stronger as we go along. A lot of times, men and woman don’t exactly see eye to eye about what that means.

The Bible tells us that a good wife “submits to her husband”. Merriam-Webster tells us that to submit means “to yield to governance or authority; to defer to or to consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another”. With that definition, I understand why it can be hard for a woman to even CONSIDER submitting to a man. Here’s the thing: we don’t live in the days of old. Men aren’t the only breadwinners. Women should both value and demand the collegial respect of her partner, while understanding that to receive it, she has to be willing to give as good as she gets. Submission does not have to be absolute, nor should any woman submit to a man who is not worthy in her eyes.

I can’t offer a hard and fast way to decide if a man is worthy. I think it goes without saying (even though I am going to say it anyway) that every man is not worthy. That is a decision that every woman has to make about the man she is with. What I can say is that there is undeniable strength in being able to make that leap to submit to a man. There are countless examples throughout our history: Coretta Scott King, Betty Shabazz, even Michelle Obama. All three women were married to men who accomplished amazing things by putting themselves in a place that was dangerous to themselves and their families. While I don’t doubt that these woman had heated discussions with their men about the decisions they made, I’d also argue that none of these men could have been as great if not for the support of their women, women who were willing to let their men take their places in history, despite their own doubts and fears.

Chopping a man off at the knees, making him wonder what could have been, asking him to conform when a 9-5 stifles his dreams isn’t compromise. Compromise might mean allowing him to take a gamble when the possibility of his failure is more daunting than the spoils of his success. It might mean altering your life plan to allow him to have a chance at that success…but as they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In my last post, I said that compromise was arguably more important than communication in the ultimate well-being of a relationship. I take it back. Compromise is key.

I’m sure most people would agree that all 3 C’s are important, though they might not agree with me about the order. I’ll ask you to read my thoughts before you make up your mind about that.

No one would argue that commitment is a pretty important part of a relationship. The intensity of the commitment might vary, but it will always be present for the relationship to continue.

No one would argue that communication is important. Most people think communication is key. I can’t say that it isn’t, but I do think something is just as, if not more important than communication. Clearly the process of elimination tells you which I vote for.

Two people come into every relationship and more than less likely, those two people have two different sets of beliefs. In general, it’s a good thing if those belief systems are compatible, but just because they sound like they are in theory doesn’t mean that they will seem as similar when it counts…even though that is the time it will be most important for them to. As I’m a woman, I can only speak from a woman’s point of view..maybe someone will do a guest post or drop a comment to represent the men’s side.

Black women are socialized to be a lot of things, among them we are socialized to be strong, independent, and able to take care of ourselves. Webbie even made a song about it. The downside of that this is that we often feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness, especially when that help is financial. While I can’t say that holds true for everyone, I can say it’s pretty likely that anyone who had parents that told them “you aren’t grown until you can take care of yourself” might feel that way. While such a woman might like to be a stay-at-home parent, she might also like the idea of making money to contribute to the well-being of her family.

This same woman might dream of the day when she can stare deep into a man’s soul and promise to be with him for richer and for poorer but might have difficulty stomaching the idea of being able to accept money from him when she is down on her luck for whatever reason. It might be because she just lost a job, quit a job that was endangering her health or her sanity, or because she’s been actively looking for a job in an economy that is worse than ith as ever been. When asked about it, she might say she feels like it’s wrong to take the money because she isn’t pulling her weight, isn’t an equal partner, isn’t equally yoked. If you step back and think about it, that’s part of what a “for better of for worse” vow is about. Two people stand before God, their friends, families, and the people they felt obligated to invite taking a vow that recognizing that every day might not bring an equal 50-50 partnership. Some days its might feel like 60-40, 70-30, or even 80-20 for a variety of reasons, not just financial. That unwillingness to take that help, her pride in that principle might make her unwilling to make a compromise that could make an otherwise “perfect” relationship fall apart.

That said, a woman certainly has to be able to understand that for her self, be able to compromise that principle of self-sufficiency to be able to rely on her man, and, should the need arise, be able to communicate that to her man.

I think you would be hard pressed to find a man or a woman who really was in love with someone who doesn’t want to have some understanding of how something that seemed like it would be forever to turned into something that just ended. Sometimes, both parties have to recognize that they have just drifted apart. In that case, though both parties might hate that things have devolved the way they have, they might be able to pinpoint the moment when things went sour. Perhaps the death knell was a divergence in the road the couple felt like they needed to take to move on to the next level. They may have mutually realized that what each ultimately wanted was not something that corresponded with what the other wanted, and could think of no real way to compromise the two visions. In that case, though it might be hard to part company, both can with the realization that each may be doing the other a great kindness in acknowledging an opportunity for the out.

In other cases, closure does not come so easily. More than less likely, this happens when the fallout hits the other person like a ton of bricks. Sometimes a party can be clueless that the break up is coming on because of the way the other party is acting. While a person might sense subtle little changes, he or she might attribute those changes to the growing pains that all people have in relationships. Generally speaking, as each individual grows, the relationship may have to change to accommodate that growth.  Sometimes, the relationship or the parties in it aren’t really mature enough to do that.

So, let me back up. When I refer the the maturity of the relationship I don’t necessarily mean the time that has elapsed. I really mean the understanding of that each person have of what the relationship should be. To keep it as concise as possible, some people feel like they way a relationship starts is the way is should end, while other people understand that it can and should change as the people in it and the desires that they have might change. The latter show emotional maturity.

Back to my thought: Maybe one or both of the people can’t really accept that fact that the relationship has to change for it to grow. The things that used to be enough may not suffice anymore. It might even feel like the relationship has come to a stagnant point, where both parties have an idea of what might help it move forward but neither party is willing to take the first step, for whatever reason.  One party might reach out and feel rebuffed, while the other party may internalize his or her feelings of resentment for the other. Ultimately, this will probably result in some hurt feelings as someone steps forward to put an end to the stagnation by breaking things up.

If both parties come to this conversation with hurt feelings, ego might get in the way and neither will say when he or she really feels. That initial “it’s over” conversation might be messy.  It might take a long time for both people to get to a point where they can have a rational conversation, if the day does come. Being able to have that conversation, whether it takes days, weeks, or months, can be the measure of Real Love. Being able to have that conversation and being able to learn and grow from that conversation can make the difference between being able to truly move forward and repeating the same patterns in love over and over and over again.

This might end up being two posts, hence the question mark.

When it comes to relationships, there are about as many ways to handle them as there are couples in the world. Some are good while others..not so much. Some are mutually violent while others are one-sidedly so. Some bring out the best in both people while others make one person want to be better. In those relationships where the dynamics are more skewed toward one side or another, it’s more than likely that the relationship will end.

This post isn’t about the dynamics of the relationship as much as it is about what you do when it’s over and why you might respond the way you do. I don’t think there is “a right way” to be in a relationship. For those that work, the people in it will tell you that it IS work…but for those that don’t, you might get a million different answers about what didn’t…but I digress.

A friend and I were talking about the ways that people handle breakups and the why behind it, and she said something that I felt was worth exploring. According to her, the aftermath of the breakup says a lot about the value of the relationship to the people in it. People who were deep in love might wait a while before starting to date because they are holding out hope that the relationship can be revived, while people who weren’t can move on to the next and think nothing of it.

Of course, I don’t see things as black and white as that, particularly for the person who might go on to another relationship to help them get over the past one.

I seem to know a fair amount of people who believe that the way to get over an old relationship is to get into a new one, and from the outside looking it, it seems like they have different motivations.  I know people who are look at breaking up like cowboys look at falling off a horse -you have to get back on to make sure you have the courage to keep getting back on. When I ask them about it, I’ve been told that while getting closure from a past relationship can be a good thing,  sitting and waiting on it to come is not the way to find the person that you can make your forever after with. For other people, I’ve been told it’s so much about looking for the next long-term relationship as finding someone who can put the person you are trying to get over in the back of your mind. While you are learning someone new and bringing them into your life, you don’t have quite as much time to think about the person who just left it.  Those are just two reasons, and we haven’t even touched on the people who serial date because they just need a body to fill a need, whether it be physical, financial, or emotional.

In my mind, pining a way to mourn a love lost. Depending on how the relationship ended and the way the people in the relationship interacted with each other, breaking up means that a part of your life has ended. When you are invested in a relationship, it can be easy to think of the other party the same way you would think of yourself. Instead of planning dinners, meals, trips, dates, or budgets for two, you go back to planning for one. Certain songs or places might make you nostalgic, which can bring painful or pleasantly painful memories, depending on how things developed. For some people, pining is A way, not THE way. Some people redirect that strong emotion to other people, while others work through that grief by losing themselves in other things. Maybe they lose themselves in music or exercise. Maybe they start dating themselves, prioritizing self-indulgence over going out and getting caught up in the dating game right away. Hell, some folk even drink. *shrugs* I’m not judging.

Ultimately, you have to work through the emotion….but some people do it differently. I think that love can only be measured with emotional distance…hindsight is always 20/20.

The pastor preached about how it is important to prepare yourself for what God has in store for you. He talked about how, in fact, if you have not prepared yourself to receive the blessings God has for you then your receipt of them may be more to your detriment than to your advancement.  He asserted that women can ruin the relationship that God ordained by not being ready and that -more importantly- that God plants us in a soil (place) so that we can flourish. He posited that the soil might be uncomfortable, but that discomfort was worth it if the plant was still allowed to grow.

I walked out of church and drove around thinking about it, and decided that I’d thought about it enough that it was blog fodder. As you might already guess, I didn’t agree with everything he said.

Now, before I get started, if you have read any of my other posts, it probably doesn’t surprise you that I had a difference of opinion. I currently hold a job that allows me to change facilities, cities and even states every 3 months.  The longest I have ever lived in one place in my adult life was when I was in college, and that was mostly because I was in college. As yet, I haven’t planted any roots that ground me anywhere. Cleveland is the city where I come from (so run run), Chicago is the city that I would live in if there was no winter, and it’s safe to say I am still looking for the place that I will call home.

So let me go back to the soil analogy. I’m nobodies farmer, but I do know a little something about soil. There are many properties of soil that determine whether it will be plentiful, including the nutrient richness, the pH of the soil, soil structure and the organisms that live in it. That might be more than you care to know, but stick with me.

Once I plant a seed in the soil, the nutrients (along with those other properties I talked about) are going to help determine what kind of crop I yield. While the soil certainly can’t change the type of seed you have, it will determine whether or not the seed blossoms and how it will blossom. A nutrient rich soil will be more likely to be fertile, while a nutrient depleted soil may not bear a sickly fruit, if it bears any at all. A once fruitful yet untended soil that becomes filled with rocks or weeds may choke off the life that has begun to grow in it.

So let’s step back and define the nutrients. They can be faith, hope, love, support, self-confidence….I could keep going, but they can be anything an individual needs to help them become the person that God wants him or her to be. When those things get removed from our soil, the very things that help the soil be fruitful are removed, and the plant may wither, break off, or die before it becomes as great as it was intended to be. Maybe the plant grows bigger than the pot it was originally in and it is straining to survive; in that case, my grandmother would move it to another pot and see if flourish rather than leave it in the old pot and watch it die.

So many times I have said on this blog that change is growth. I know that all change isn’t for the better nor is all change easy, but I would argue that some growth comes from the change. If you put a seed in any type of nutrient-less soil, it may not grow as strong as it might have otherwise . If you pick that same plant up and put it in a soil that is more compatible, it may begin to flourish. Still, that plant isn’t pruned, it is likely to become weakened or deformed.

Oh, and we haven’t even talked about that seed spreading it’s seeds.

If you look around, the type of plant life in one area of the country may be very different from other areas of the country. While I have never seen a palm tree or a cactus in Cleveland’s natural ecosystem, I have seen dandelions in a lot of the places I have been. I don’t care how nutrient rich that soil is, if I plant a palm tree in Cleveland, it is likely to die. It’s not just the soil that helps that plant flourish, but the environment that seed is planted in as well. The same way every parent wants to make a better way for their child, some plants have to move from the soils that were grown in into soils to which they are more suited if the soil isn’t cared for properly.

For me, I’m not as concerned with staying where I am planted as I am finding the soil that is going to help me flourish…but I think that’s a choice each of us has to make.

When I think about the way I thought my life was going to unfold as opposed to the way it has, it sparks a feeling in me akin to disappointment. If you had asked me 5 years ago, I would have told you that I would be married by now, maybe even starting to think about having children. I might not have been able to tell you where I was going to be working, or where I was going to be living, but that whole “happily ever after” thing was close to a definite for me.

In the interim, I have changed. What I once wanted isn’t what I still want. Don’t doubt me, I still would like to find my “happily ever after” but I have slowly been coming to the realization that it won’t be what I once thought it would be.

Part of it is because, though I ALWAYS say that I think change is key to growth, you really can’t account for the ways you might change. The person who made your heart beat fast every time you saw them three months ago may not do the same thing for you two days from now. The thing that was once your life’s passion may take a back burner to everything else depending on the choices you make and the hand life deals you.

I might just be in my feelings today, but I’m wondering where my life is leading me.

I can’t say that I feel helpless, because that is absolutely untrue. While part of me wouldn’t mind the stability of picking a city and making a life there, placing roots, doing all the things that society tells me I am “supposed” to be doing, the other part of me is pretty skeptical about the whole thing. I know that once I do that, it is going to be hard for me to uproot myself, especially when I think about the extensions of myself (read husband and child) that my family is wondering when I will have.  While I still feel like the decisions I am making are mostly about me, I see the impact they have on the people around me and I wonder how to figure out how to make choices that I feel like are causing the least hurt to the people I love the most.

I feel like I am straddling the line between selfishness and selflessness. Ever since the day of my departure has been growing closer, I have been listening to my family tell me their concerns about me going away. The most prevalent theme has been that they felt I had been “sowing my royal oats” so to speak, and that they felt I was always going to end up where my heart is (which is where they are). While I certainly feel a tug to be close to my family, I always feel a little trapped while I am with them. The city where I became a woman is the city of the girl I used to be, not the woman I have become, or am becoming.

Maybe part of it is my fear of being defined by who I am to the other people in my life. Granted, I already am. I am a daughter, a sister, an auntie, a friend. I’m not yet a mother or a wife, but those are roles that I will fill one day, and those might be the ones that scare me the most. You can fail at them, or at least feel like you have. Maybe you have an idea of how you are going to be, how you will grow with your partner, the relationship you will have with your children. No one sets out to be a bad parent -and in their own eyes they may NOT be- but that doesn’t mean that their children will see things the same way.  When I sit down and talk to my brothers about our childhood, I realize that we have different ideas about what the successes and failings of our parents are…and I guess we can only agree to disagree. By the same token, no one sets out to fail at any relationship, much less marriage, but no one can foresee the ways that their lives will change or how the person you took for better or worse (and the person you took) might change.

It’s crazy that the same ponderings I am facing now won’t be that different from the ones I am facing 1 day, 1 week, or 1 year from now. I just hope I am able to look back on all the choices I’ve made and feel that I have done the best with what I have. Fear of the unknown is a bitch.

When I first started thinking bout how I would respond to the last post 2 words popped up in my head. Which two you ask? F*CK THAT!

Stepping back to think about it and in light of a recent conversation, I have to say I haven’t changed my mind about those two words, but I certainly think they are worth qualifying. I’ve skated around giving my opinion on the topic, but if you like to hear it, here it goes.

My momma always told me not to write a check my ass can’t cash, and I would def say that writing a blank check qualifies. Sure, I’m the dummy at the window with no money, but the fool that wrote it is probably worse off that me standing at the teller. Sooner or later, someone’s name is gone end up and Checksystems…and since I didn’t write that joint, it won’t be me.

If I step up to the window to deposit that check (and yup, I’m going to run with this bankers analogy), that means that I believe that that money is going to be there for me to deposit. Nine times out of 10, I have placed some stake in the value of that check, and no doubt I have put in some work. Maybe I’m playing hoe and/or housewife. Maybe I’m just being down for you. Whatever the role might be, best believe I’m making an investment with an expectation of a return.

Here’s the thing: if you write emotional blank checks all willy-nilly, how will you ever know when you are really ready to cash one? Karma is a B*(&#, and you better believe what you put out into the universe comes back. Maybe some future love interest won’t get you all hype for an emotional investment they are not willing or able to make, but maybe you will always be fearful that he or she will. I’d argue that the latter is worse, as that fear could keep you from investing yourself completely in a relationship that could turn out to be your happily after.

At the end of the day, I don’t care what title you do or don’t give to it, the two people in the “situation” are in a relationship. According to Webster (via dictionary.com) a relationship is defined as

                                                  : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings.

If you have been dealing with someone long enough for a “situation” to arise, welp, there you have it. In my mind each person in a relationship has the responsibility of being honest with the other party and with his or herself. If you look back at the reasons listed throughout this series about why a man or a woman might consent to be in a situation, I’d vehemently argue that all of them point to a need for either to work on the relationship that he or she has with his or herself.

If you (and this is true whether you are a man or a woman) are looking to get into a “situation” because you have been hurt, you’d definitely benefit more from sitting down and getting some sense of closure about as opposed to jumping into something that is bound to get complicated, and will ultimately lead to more hurt. Some fool one said the best way to get over a relationship is to jump into a new one, and I’m sure that if you re-read the last sentence, you will know that I ABSOLUTELY disagree with that. It doesn’t matter how a relationship ends, the fact that it has ended means that each party needs to have time to get over the hurt that might come with the end. More than that, each person needs to get use to being a “me” as opposed to a “we”. Truly taking the time to do so makes us stronger, wiser, and helps move past the lost love, like, or lust. Being selfish and using another person to get over an ex does nothing but perpetuate a cycle of hurt, a cycle that could have been avoided.

If you (again, doesn’t matter which sex) are looking to get into a “situation” because you think you can bide your time until the other party is ready to be in a titled relationship with you, realize that you are setting yourself up for a fail. If someone tells you they are (or what they are) you better believe them rather than learning the hard way, and it doesn’t matter what his or her actions are telling you. Otherwise, YOU have to take the blame for getting invested in a relationship someone told you they weren’t ready to have.

All the time spent being a pseudo relationship with someone else could be WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better spent in a real relationship with yourself. After all, that is the person you are going to be in a relationship with for the rest of your days.

Whatever the circumstances, that sure seems like a lot of bullshit for some cake”

I still might though. We will see how this goes.

I can’t say that I don’t think it is true that a man wants to have his cake and eat it too, for the most part, ol buddy is not sampling too many cakes. For sure, there are some men who are taking full advantage of the arrangement, getting all the cakes they can stand and then some. There are other dudes who aren’t doing that at all though. Maybe things started out and they were keeping it casual, then someone slipped and fell on a bed and someone fell behind them and things started to get complicated.

Maybe he likes this girl. Unless she was a good time girl, they no doubt chatted each other up before they did the grown up. I would hope that he decided (at the very least) that she MIGHT be someone it would be okay to have a child with because if you bring a loaded pistol to a party there might be some shots fired…but that’s beside the point. He might have found out little things about her, little inconsequential things that you tell someone when you are getting to know them. He might have started paying attention to those things and started SHOWING her that he was paying attention to those things…and he made everything messy.

It’s bad enough that many woman can’t separate their hearts from the love below when it comes down to passing it out, especially when it comes to a “no strings attached” kind of arrangement. We are emotional, and it is to be expected. Even if a woman is initially okay with it, there comes a point where she is wondering what the return on her investment is. If it is a long-term thing and she is worth her salt, ol buddy will be making phone calls and buying gifts and spending time, and that kind of emotional investment is a return.

If you really sit back and analyze it, he had to give a little emotional leeway to get (some), so the whole situation is almost guaranteed to fail. He can’t be too aloof because she won’t think he is interested, and she might not even want to consider the whole “situation” set up. After he establishes that relationship and it has been consummated, he has to tread carefully. He has set a standard for the way she expects him to treat her, and maintaining that standard or raising the bar will have her thinking that he is getting in the relationship mindset.  What’s even worse is that it doesn’t even have to be a good standard. If he is a “I’ll see you when I see you, but when I do come over I’m going to be all about and all under you” kind of guy, she will accept that from him, and may even see that as the stepping stone to a budding relationship.

Most guys don’t see the warning signs from a girl that she is looking to be chosen and kept, especially in this situation. She might start calling a little more often, taking up a little bit more of your time, actually have you helping her with her life decisions or goals. Where she might have let you do you in the club, she might be backing it up on you just a little more often, watching (or having her girls watching) just a little bit harder. He might shrug it off or fall in step with it, either being the the absolute worse thing he could do. In her mind, it might go to an unspoken agreement that they have crossed a line from being a “situation” to a relationship. The longer it draws out, the worse it will be when the conversation comes around about what exactly their status is, as it is bound to happen.

He might hold off on it because he is oblivious to the fact that this thing is about to happen. Maybe he thinks it will blow over. He might want to avoid the blowup that he is sure will come. It might happen because someone saw him out with another “situation”, or she might tell him she fell in love with him.

Whatever the circumstances, that sure seems like a lot of bullshit for some cake.