I have a couple male friends who are married. I have several others who are engaged or enjoying single life (if you’re not married, you’re single when you file your taxes). Some of those men are in happy relationships while others of them are happily playing the field.
This post is about all of us. Me, the men, their women, it might even be about you! Yeah, I know I don’t know you, but let me state my case.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years (closer to 1.5, but I learned that 5-9 means round up in math class). Like people are prone to do in relationships, I am working through some issues (don’t give me the side eye, let me explain).
I had an idea of what I thought my responsibilities were in a relationship. Just like things tend to do in life, that idea changed. I went from staying at home instead of going out most of the time (I LIKE to dance, and I admit I do A LOT sometimes) to staying at home some of the time. I went from not talking to my male friends on the phone every once in a while I was in a relationship to not talking to them after 9pm or communicating primarily through text message, Gchat, or Facebook (even though it is the devil).
Now, some of the rules change depending on the circumstances. I might text a married friend to let him know I’m in town (before 9pm of course). Even though I sent the text at what I deem an appropriate time, the actual meet up time might end up being after or extend after 9 pm. I might meet up with a friend at a bar, at a house party, or just to be out and about because I feel like I haven’t been out in a while (and that might turn into a straight4-5 days of me going out, depending on what is going on). I might not go out with the same purpose each time, but when I get a text asking me what I’m doing/where I’m at and the answer is I’m out (for nights and nights in a row) it could mean trouble for me when I get back in.
I don’t live with my beau. We don’t even live in the same state (Long distance relationships can be a BEAUTIFUL THING!). For a while, we weren’t even in the same time zone. As with every other relationship, communication is key. If I’m out and about, I am cutting into the time I could be communicating, and vice versa. That by itself isn’t bad, but if I’m out with another man it can become a serious offense. I don’t get to see my man except for when he is there, so for me to be up under some other man (and I DON’T mean that literally) can be nerve wracking. The same is true for him.. except he doesn’t do that to me.
So who is the guilty one? I have to raise my hand (however reluctantly). It’s not that I am saying F*** yo’ feelings (a la Dave Chappellle) ,it’s just that in that…well, I don’t want to stop living my life because I have a boo. That doesn’t mean I am going to act like I don’t HAVE a boo. Going out makes me miss him more. What I don’t want is to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs so that when I look back on my life I feel like I spent a nice amount of it waiting for nothing. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel disrespected. I feel allegiance to my friends (the ones I knew before I met him) just like I feel allegiance to him and I’m not okay with them just falling by the way side for me to have to pick them up later if the day comes (God forbid) he and I are no longer we.
So where does that leave me? See, those are the issues I am working on. I want to honor his feelings and honor mine too, but it can be really hard for find the compromise in that situation. That’s where the communication comes in. For now, let’s just call it a work in progress.