BOUNDARIES

I have a couple male friends who are married. I have several others who are engaged or enjoying single life (if you’re not married, you’re single when you file your taxes). Some of those men are in happy relationships while others of them are happily playing the field.

This post is about all of us. Me, the men, their women, it might even be about you! Yeah, I know I don’t know you, but let me state my case.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years (closer to 1.5, but I learned that 5-9 means round up in math class). Like people are prone to do in relationships, I am working through some issues (don’t give me the side eye, let me explain).

I had an idea of what I thought my responsibilities were in a relationship. Just like things tend to do in life, that idea changed. I went from staying at home instead of going out most of the time (I LIKE to dance, and I admit I do A LOT sometimes) to staying at home some of the time.  I went from not talking to my male friends on the phone every once in a while  I was in a relationship to not talking to them after 9pm or communicating primarily through text  message, Gchat, or Facebook (even though it is the devil).

Now, some of the rules change depending on the circumstances.  I might text a married friend to let him know I’m in town (before 9pm of course). Even though I sent the text at what I deem an appropriate time, the actual meet up time might end up being after or extend after 9 pm. I might meet up with a friend at a bar, at a house party, or just  to be out and about because I feel like I haven’t been out in a while (and that might turn into a straight4-5 days of me going out, depending on what is going on). I might not go out with the same purpose each time, but when I get a text asking me what I’m doing/where I’m at and the answer is I’m out (for nights and nights in a row) it could mean trouble for me when I get back in.

I don’t live with my beau. We don’t even live in the same state (Long distance relationships can be a BEAUTIFUL THING!). For a while, we weren’t even in the same time zone. As with every other relationship, communication is key. If I’m out and about, I am cutting into the time I could be communicating, and vice versa.  That by itself isn’t bad, but if I’m out with another man it can become a serious offense. I don’t get to see my man except for when he is there, so for me to be up under some other man (and I DON’T mean that literally) can be nerve wracking. The same is true for him.. except he doesn’t do that to me.

So who is the guilty one? I have to raise my hand (however reluctantly).  It’s not that I am saying F***  yo’ feelings (a la Dave Chappellle) ,it’s just that in that…well, I don’t want to stop living my life because I have a boo. That doesn’t mean I am going to act like I don’t HAVE a boo. Going out makes me miss him more. What I don’t want is to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs so that when I look back on my life I feel like I spent a nice amount of it waiting for nothing. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel disrespected. I feel allegiance to my friends (the ones I knew before I met him) just like I feel allegiance to him and I’m not okay with them just falling by the way side for me to have to pick them up later if the day comes (God forbid) he and I are no longer we.

So where does that leave me? See, those are the issues I am working on. I want to honor his feelings and honor mine too, but it can be really hard for find the compromise in that situation. That’s where the communication comes in. For now, let’s just call it a work in progress.

Thoughts?

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4 thoughts on “BOUNDARIES

  1. Very insightful and for the most part I thought it made perfect sense. However, see “for the most part”, I did see something that might cause alarm or raise a small flag.

    The comment, “I’m not okay with them just falling by the way side for me to have to pick them up later if the day comes (God forbid) he and I are no longer we” would seem to imply that you would let them fall should you know with 100% accuracy that you and him will never part.

    What comes across is that your decision to do one thing (not let them fall by the way side) is justified under one condition but not justified under another. Nothing wrong with this from a human perspective; however, from a rational perspective the thought of having two decisions that could both be correct would imply that it is irrational instead.

    So not calling you out, in the event that you would feel justified in one circumstance as opposed to the other, just stating something which might be misconstrued as an irrational decision. 🙂

    • Muhahahaha Hill (or Nate)

      I certainly agree that it would be irrational for me to let my friends go for a man- that’s why I didn’t say it. In clarification, I meant that I don’t think you let your friends go for a man or woman you are romantically involved with (or family for that matter either). I meant that I hope that my boyfriend and I don’t part.

      I hoped to convey that I think the boundaries of friendships (between males and females) shift when one of the other of them have a significant other. Maybe you aren’t as in touch as much as you once where, whether that is by phone or in person. I think the same thing happens with same sex friends. Life gets busy, balancing family, friendship, work. leisure, and boo.

      Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting!

  2. Some people live under the theory that once you get in a relationship a serious relationship that your significant other should be your best friend and thus cease any need for your friendships with members of the opposite sex you met prior to them…..

    **cue the random white boy from Belly with the cowboy boots and pink bunny ears**
    I THINK THATS A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT ….

    Should you be kicking it ALONE late night with Joe Schmoe…HECKIE NO
    Can you go out with a bunch of friends and stay out dancing till the club close and Joe Schmoe be one of the people in the group..YES..

    Get my point? The key here is that there is an appropriate TIME and PLACE rule that comes into play when you get in a relationship….think of how you would feel if he was ALONE at the crib watching a movie with Suzie Cream Cheese (and we all know how she gets down) at 11pm…you know that wouldn’t fly….similarly you and Bobby Bagel whom you have a long standing relationship with (he’s a quality Jewish boy) must now find appropriate time and settings to hang out catch up and have a good time!

    True friends especially those of the opposite sex are too hard to come by to drop for a relationship…however you must tailor the friendship to respect that newly formed romantic relationship….

    Thats my 2 cents!

    xoxo

    Sinc 🙂

    • Sinc,

      I def appreciate your two cents, because I agree whole heartedly. I think the biggest thing is really figuring out how to tailor the friendship in a way that nobody feels slighted (either party that makes up the couple and any outside friend). You may still want to use the person as a sounding board for somethings (or even just to kick it) and you don’t want your significant other to feel some kind of way.

      And you’re right, I know how Suzie Cream Cheese gets down. Dirty…LOL

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