In transition

I feel like the title says it all. I’m in, and have been in a different place for a little while now. I’d certainly say  I’m in transition, but I can’t say I know what kind.

I kind of feel like all the things I let someone talk me out of I’m throwing against the wall, just trying to see what sticks. I know that I’m not happy doing what I am doing, so I am exploring all options to get to my end goal. Sometimes though, I’m not even sure what that is. I mean, I feel like I’ve been working a plan all through school, and I’m just hoping I don’t get to the end and find myself unfulfilled.

I like to think that change is what lets me know I’m living life and to that end, I certainly embrace it. As much as there is something in me that is longing to put down roots, buy a house, buy a car, there is another, sometimes bigger part of me that doesn’t want any part of that. Sometimes I feel like I already have too much stuff – when I decided to move to Chicago, I left  Cleveland with a suitcase. When I moved to Charlotte, I brought a whole truck load of stuff with me. While it was practical – especially because I wasn’t in a position to buy all new stuff when I got here) I still wish I could have.  At the same time though, the things I buy are one of the ways I accomplish change in my home space. I might buy some new curtains or a new kitchen toy or shelf, something to break up the monotony. I’ve even thought about cutting my hair back off more than a few times, have looked at the clippers just a moment too long before I walked away from my closet.

Somehow, I got derailed from my five-year plan. I say somehow like I have no idea how; there were various circumstances and individuals that contributed to this plan, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t include the Divine Intervention that brought these people and circumstances into my life.   I’m sure my responses to these circumstance and individuals have had a bearing on where I find myself as well. Reflection gives me that 20/20 vision that hindsight always renders, but I don’t know that it always helps me plan my best strategy moving forward. Sure, I can see what I did, but I can’t hope to see all of the factors that influences those other actors/characters/situations that life brought to me. As there is no rewind, and as life seldom allows second chances, I can only hope that I have gained wisdom from those interactions as I move forward.

As much as I want to go live in Europe, I want to find a city that I love in the USA that is in a major flight pattern/that won’t cost me a million dollars when I want to go visit my loved ones. As much as I want to take a job that will allow me to travel every 3-6 months, I’d like to find a place that I feel I can call home.  As much as my family wants me to have babies…well, they got that. I don’t have that urge, not even when I see my nieces or my godson. I love them until they need to be changed/get to crying/screaming/fussing, and then I want to give them back. If all women have a biological clock, mine just might be broken (I am all for adoption though, even though I’m not ready for that either).

As my little brother is about to graduate high school, I don’t know that I feel I need to be the responsible older sibling anymore. In my mind he has had a chance to see my get not one, but two degrees, and I’d love to let loose and just do that stuff I WANT to do instead of the stuff I HAVE to do. I want to take some time and not consider anybody else – how they might feel or how they might be affected by my choices, and just do whatever it is I decide to do, with as much Divine guidance as He gives me the wisdom to heed.

I’m a work in progress. We will see what happens.

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