I. love. kids.
I love being an Auntie, I love being a Big Sister, and I love being a Godmother. Sadly, though, think part of the reason I love it so much is because I don’t have to do it every day.
I look around and lots of my friends (and hella people I don’t know) have already had a baby, might be working on the second (or the eighth), been married two years, are getting married tomorrow, that kind of thing.
While I don’t always think the marriage idea sounds terrible, sometimes having kids sounds like asking someone to pluck my public hairs one at a time. (You can remove the l from “public” because sometimes I think it is like that too.) Color me selfish if you want to, but I’m not in a rush to have babies.
I don’t think I’m at a place in my life that I feel like I can put another person’s needs over my own the way a (good) parent will do for their child. I’m not ready to have to think about buying school clothes vs being able to take that “just because I feel like it and I have the money” trip. I don’t want to plan family vacations. I’m not into keeping late nights and early mornings if it doesn’t involve some kind of party/shopping/good times.
I’m dreading the day when I’m defined by my relationship to the people in my life. I’m not happily anticipating the day I trade in my given name for “Ma, Mommy, Mother, Wife, Better Half”, none of that shit. Sadly, I think that is a battle that all women who dream of a happily ever after that involves being married with children must fight. As much as I would want to stay home with my kids, I wouldn’t want to feel that all the years of schooling that I have (and all the students loans I’ve racked up in the process) are for nothing. As much as I want to have some kind of acclaim in my line of work, I don’t want that to come at the expense of the time I spend with my family.
As I write this, I think the real issue I that I’m not ready to do that balancing act. As I don’t plan on having kids before I get married (even though I do believe God looks at our plans sometimes and laughs) I think of all the things that go into having a family and maintaining healthy relationships. While I will be among the first people to say that romantic relationships take work (and time) I’d say that goes double for people in relationships that have families. When two parents get so caught in up in being “Mommy and Daddy” that they don’t take time to nurture their bond, that relationship can suffer and have a negative impact on the family. When Bobby and Suzie are so caught up in their love affair with each other they don’t pay attention to their child’s needs, that too, has a negative impact on the family.
Straight to the point: There are a lot of ways you can F*CK it up.
Seems like a lot to put on my plate when I’m still figuring out where I want to be and how I’m going to reach my goals. It is definitely on my “One Day” list, but for DAMN sure it’s not on my “Today or Tomorrow” list.