Let me start by saying I’m not blameless or faultless in the “how to keep a man/make a relationship work game”. Let me also say that it is because I’ve had some missteps that I feel qualified to say what I’m about to say, even if I piss some people off. I haven’t done a scenario in a while, but I have a couple up my sleeve.
Boy meets girl. They exchange info. They do the grownup on and off for a long time, but Boy does not want to commit to girl. Boy and Girl make an “oops” baby, and Girl decides to keep it to try to make Boy stay.
Let me say RIGHT. DAMN. NOW. that THIS IS NOT THE WAY. I don’t know how many times people are going to have to see this play out or play this out for themselves to know that this is one of those stories that always works out the same way. ALWAYS. No man will fall in love with you because you have his baby. Hell, having a baby doesn’t mean you are going to STAY in love either. Just like the “P” won’t keep a man, a baby won’t either.
It’s not cute to use a baby or the “threat” of pregnancy to try to keep a man around. I’ll even go out on a limb here and say that probably one of the quickest ways to get a man gone. He MIGHT stay around long enough to see if the pregnancy is real, if he is honorable. (If he’s not, you can forget that sh*t. He probably already asked you who else you were f*cking…and you can only take offense to that if you WEREN’T with anyone else). He might even take the time to talk with you about the reasons that having a child might not be a good idea (he doesn’t want to be with you, he’s not in a good financial/professional/personal place to be a father, he has other children he is struggling to take care of) and try to talk to you about your options. If you agree on a solution (whatever that might be) if you renege…well, that might be a topic for another post. Suffice to say, I don’t think it’s fair for any one to expect a man to do a 180 about something he said he didn’t want, but I also think that there come’s a point where every man has to man up. It does take two to tango…
Not going to get into it, but the reverse scenario does happen, and the same thing hold true. JUST because a woman has your child (ol’ sneaky ass hole in the condom or taking the condom off or INTENTIONALLY baby batter sprays ass) doesn’t mean she’s going to stay with you. She might not even think about it.
Girl meets Boy. Boy falls head over heels for Girl. Girl likes Boy enough to keep him around, but still weighs her options/plays the field. Boy proposes, Girl accepts, marriage ensues…but Girl continues to play the field. Boy’s friend/family try to tell him about Girl’s missteps, but Boy ignores them or gets mad at them for “trying to tear what he has apart”.
This, too, is a scenario that can go both ways.
This is a CLASSIC mistake, but one that happens often. Love can blind us to another person’s flaws. Sometimes we are so in love with love that we don’t want to see the bad, and we resent people for trying to give us (an at times MUCH needed) reality check.
When love is new, we want to immerse ourselves in the other person. Phone calls might last all night, and texts might fill the intervals that aren’t spent in almost constant conversation. Gradually the relationship SHOULD reach a place of balance where each person can be his or her entity and pursue his or her own interests. Still, there are people who are in a relationship where one party is like a puppy that follows his or her master where ever they might go, and who believes their beloved can do NO wrong, even when well trusted friend tell them otherwise. That party (or the puppy) gets MAD when someone tells them about it. and then might have the nerve to get mad when no one tells because they don’t want to make the puppy mad!
I don’t keep people around me who I don’t think want to see my happy…and I’d hope other people subscribe to the same philosophy.