This post might sound like a response to a post I recently read here, but it’s not at all. To be fair, the thought jumped in my mind during a conversation I had with my sister.
Last year I wrote an ode to my Daddy and men who are stepping up to their (or other men’s) responsibilities all over the world. While I certainly have enough flowery words to do so again, I thought I would flip it and write something for all the sperm donors out there.
I personally feel that making a decision not to be in the life of a child you helped to create is a terrible one, but that’s neither here nor there. As far as I know, it takes ATLEAST two people to do the grown up, and each of them goes half on creating that life. I (understandably) tend to see lots of sperm donor hate all over my timeline on Father’s Day. What you don’t see is Mommy hate for rolling around with some no good, never-do-right-ass man.
Did I just make somebody mad?
When it comes to deciding if a man will be a stand up guy when it comes to dealing with the potential (and sometimes unwanted) consequences of unprotected sex, I don’t think it’s always fair to say you know what a man is going to do. While some men have a track record that might give you some indication of what he MIGHT do, life and time can and do change people.
When love is new, everything is sweet. The little things that might become big issues can be easy to overlook when you are looking at a partner through love’s eyes. Not only does that play a role, but so do people’s representatives. If it’s true (and in some cases it definitely is) that you meet a person’s best self early into the relationship and time brings out the worst/real self, then it can be days, months, years before you find out that man who talked to you every night until the wee hours of the morning likes to get some eye every now and then. It might take the same amount of time to find out the person that you THOUGHT you were in an exclusive relationship with just thought ya’ll were just “kickin’ it”, even if you found yourselves playing house and combining finances.
As easy as it is for their to be “misunderstandings” when there are just two people involved in the relationship, imagine how the potential for misunderstanding increases when the possibility of a lifelong bonding third comes along. That same man who was convinced you to “just let him put the tip in” might be the same dude attacking your character when you tell him you are pregnant. The same man you THOUGHT you planned everything out with may end up telling the next girl that you trapped him and than he’d never told you he wanted to have a baby with you. The same dude who talked to you about the babies they saw in your mutual futures (read, that ya’ll would have together) might be the same man who asks you to get an abortion because “ya’ll aren’t ready/in a place to be parents right now”.
I can’t say that every woman who has created a life with a man who wasn’t going to be there for his children is without fault, but that’s certainly a topic for another post. What I can say is that sometimes you get more (or less ) than what you see. I’m not apologizing for any man’s failings as a parent, but I will say I don’t think it does the complainer any good to celebrate or recognize those failing every Father’s Day.
While it might be easy to spend time talking about what some man didn’t do for you, it might be more worthwhile to uplift/celebrate the men that did.