Closure: The Measure of Real Love Part 2

I wasn’t sure there was going to be a part 2 this post…but I had this in me, so here it is.

I think you would be hard pressed to find a man or a woman who really was in love with someone who doesn’t want to have some understanding of how something that seemed like it would be forever to turned into something that just ended. Sometimes, both parties have to recognize that they have just drifted apart. In that case, though both parties might hate that things have devolved the way they have, they might be able to pinpoint the moment when things went sour. Perhaps the death knell was a divergence in the road the couple felt like they needed to take to move on to the next level. They may have mutually realized that what each ultimately wanted was not something that corresponded with what the other wanted, and could think of no real way to compromise the two visions. In that case, though it might be hard to part company, both can with the realization that each may be doing the other a great kindness in acknowledging an opportunity for the out.

In other cases, closure does not come so easily. More than less likely, this happens when the fallout hits the other person like a ton of bricks. Sometimes a party can be clueless that the break up is coming on because of the way the other party is acting. While a person might sense subtle little changes, he or she might attribute those changes to the growing pains that all people have in relationships. Generally speaking, as each individual grows, the relationship may have to change to accommodate that growth.  Sometimes, the relationship or the parties in it aren’t really mature enough to do that.

So, let me back up. When I refer the the maturity of the relationship I don’t necessarily mean the time that has elapsed. I really mean the understanding of that each person have of what the relationship should be. To keep it as concise as possible, some people feel like they way a relationship starts is the way is should end, while other people understand that it can and should change as the people in it and the desires that they have might change. The latter show emotional maturity.

Back to my thought: Maybe one or both of the people can’t really accept that fact that the relationship has to change for it to grow. The things that used to be enough may not suffice anymore. It might even feel like the relationship has come to a stagnant point, where both parties have an idea of what might help it move forward but neither party is willing to take the first step, for whatever reason.  One party might reach out and feel rebuffed, while the other party may internalize his or her feelings of resentment for the other. Ultimately, this will probably result in some hurt feelings as someone steps forward to put an end to the stagnation by breaking things up.

If both parties come to this conversation with hurt feelings, ego might get in the way and neither will say when he or she really feels. That initial “it’s over” conversation might be messy.  It might take a long time for both people to get to a point where they can have a rational conversation, if the day does come. Being able to have that conversation, whether it takes days, weeks, or months, can be the measure of Real Love. Being able to have that conversation and being able to learn and grow from that conversation can make the difference between being able to truly move forward and repeating the same patterns in love over and over and over again.


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