Boomerang Love

” If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it never was”.

I agree and disagree with this statement. Keep reading and you might feel the same.

When a relationship ends, lots of feelings come to the fore, but for most people I’d bet the biggest one is fear. That fear can manifest for a lot of reasons and in a lot of ways, but I think it can fit in three major categories: fear of being broken,  the fear of having to start over, and the fear of being hurt again.

The fear of being broken is a huge one. It is almost impossible not to think of all of other “failed” relationships in light of one newly gone asunder, and while it is natural, it can cause us to wallow in a very unhealthy place. It is not uncommon that some relationship guru or other tells us something to the effect “if you look at all of your past relationships, the common factor is you, and you might just be the problem.”  It can be even easier to believe that when you find that your past loves have all gone on to get married or engaged. Here’s the thing, while each party may have a contribution to the end of a relationship, that contribution is not always equal, nor it is that contribution the same in every relationship that ceased to be. The danger of taking the ” you are the problem” mentality is that the attitude can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and sabotage our success with both true self-love and romantic love.

The fear of starting over can be just as self-sabotaging. As much anyone might argue otherwise, though change is a part of life, it is certainly not an easy one. This is especially true when the change is an unwelcome one. Even when a person has initiated the end of a relationship, he or she will have a period of adjustment from thinking of him or herself as part of a “we” to a “me”. This transition can be even harder when the breakup was not mutual, as the party who was not in favor of the breakup my find him or herself recasting an obviously broken relationship into something that was beautiful, enviable and irreplaceable when the opposite is true. The hindsight that is usually 20/20 can fail us when looking back on a relationship, as it can be easy to look at the relationship through rose-colored glasses and see more perfection than every truly existed. This stops us from being able to fully let go, which can make it seem impossible to fully move on.

The fear of being hurt again is certainly not one to be underestimated as it, too, can be detrimental to future success in relationships. This fear can prevent us from being able to love another person, truly, deeply, and freely. While it certainly stifles the person who has it, it is also unfair to all of his or her future partners, as it denies him or her the opportunity of being equally yoked in future relationships. While breaking up with someone you could envision a beautiful future can be both painful and emotionally numbing, it is a blessing to learn that you have the capacity to love someone outside of a child you created that deeply. Therein lies a promise of future love that can grow to be just as deep, if not more so.

So after all that, why don’t I agree with the quote at the beginning of the post? In my mind, it belittles the love that existed between to people. Just because it didn’t grow the way they might have wanted to or last indefinitely in the form that they might have wanted it to, that doesn’t make it any less real. Sometimes we love people enough to let them go because we don’t feel we can give them what they deserve. Sometimes letting someone go that way is the truest love of all.

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