Still Waters…

This is one of those to make you hold a mirror to yourself…so if you aren’t feeling reflective…read it anyway. It might make you go there with yourself.

No one would argue that we make compromises to keep love alive, but sometimes the line between true compromise and compromising one’s principles becomes all but invisible, if not non-existant.

First, a definition, to make sure we are all on the same page.

Compromise: -a settlement of differences by arbitration or consent reached by mutual concessions

– an intermediate between or blending of qualities of two different things

– a concession to something derogatory or prejucidial <a compromise of principles>

definition provided by Merriam-Webster.com

I’ll present a scenario to explain the point:

Girl has dreams of who her ideal man is. Nevermind the qualities that she desires, as the ones she does not take center stage here. The things he does not do/ the qualities that he does not have, do. He does not do (illegal) drugs, much less sell them. He is not a man who shirks his responsibilities, and does not need to be convinced to do what is right. He does not have any issues with commitment or prioritizing his family over his friends.

Later on, girl meets boy. Maybe she meets him at a time where she is feeling especially lonely and is glad for the male attention. Maybe she is looking for a “no strings” attached good time. Maybe she is looking for love. Whatever the case, there they are, and they start a courtship of sorts. Time passes, and he becomes her world. Not only does she think of him as she thinks of herself, but sometimes before her self, doing her best to make him happy and keep him happy.

Maybe her family is supportive of the union at first, because they see it makes her happy. Then, the drama starts. Maybe rumors start flying around about other girls he is spending time with. Maybe he starts spending less of his time with her and more of his time with his friends or in the street, to her anguish. The family withdraws their intitial support telling her she can do better. As their pleas fall on def ears, they stop making them. They see little things , but say nothing. She gets pregnant, bears his child, and reflects on who he is and who she has become in the process.

Maybe he loses his job and has no savings plan or back up money, but still manages to keep the newest J’s on his feet while  not making any contributions to their house. Maybe he is borrowing money for gas but is not making sure the little one has diapers or that there is food in the table. Finally, she realizes that he is in the life she never wanted, and she has to decide what she to about it.

She always wanted a “happily every after”, saw herself getting married before she had kids. Even though things didn’t happen in the way she always saw things happening, she is fighting to keep her family together.

Girl is more than a couple of people I know…and what she does not what boy to be can be so many other things. Maybe he does not hit women. Maybe he does not tear her down verbally. Maybe he is not  a liar. Maybe he is not emotionally closed off or immature. Maybe he is not fiscally irresponsible. I can go on and on…but I think think the point has been made.

When any man or woman accepts their “nevers” in a partner, he or she compromises his or her principles. When anyone does that, they sacrifice a part of themselves and may feel like they lose themselves in the relationship. When that happens it becomes even harder to let go, because the partner becomes like a life preserver that you have to hold on to for dear life to make sure you don’t drown.

People stay in relationships for so many reasons, not the least of which are comfort or fear. It is comfortable to know what to expect from a partner, even if it is not ideal. When you compromise your principles, there is a chance you may look and the mirror and not know nor like the person you see looking back at you. It can be scary to step out to rebuild a life as an “I”, when you have lived it as a “we” for so long. While it is always uncomfortable and never easy to do something like that, it is sometimes necessary so that you can get to know and love the person looking back at you  when you look in the mirror.

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