If you can’t see it with me…let me go

Though some would have you think it is a topic for discussion, I know for sure that there is such a thing as being “too nice of a guy”.

He isn’t too nice because he doesn’t seem to have a backbone, seems like a pushover, or because he doesn’t have swag. He is too nice because he will date you forever when he knows he doesn’t see a future with you.

In the beginning, he is feeling you out. He is asking about your likes and dislikes, spending time, talking to you about everything and nothing. He may or may not be showing you off, but he is showing you a good time. You start to fall for him, and he seems like he is falling for you. Maybe you all decide to do the grown up, and well, that’s really neither here nor there. Before you know it, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months may stretch into years and the relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Subtly -or not so subtly- you ask him what is going on between you. He gives you a non-answer. He changes the subject, tells you he needs time, or gently reminds you that you are his one and only. What he doesn’t say though, is what is really going on.

He isn’t telling you what he really thinks, but he is telling someone. Maybe he is telling the homies.  Maybe he is telling his female confidant. Maybe he is telling the girl who could be the next girl.

The conversation can look something like this:

“I remember when we met. I loved everything about her. She was cute smart, sexy, and confident, and somewhere…IDK. She would jump in front of a bullet for me. She is forreal down for me.  I think i could marry her, but…”

Let’s back up. If you are focusing on the “jump in front of a bullet part” you are missing the point. Where you REALLY should be focusing is on that conjunction.

That “but” means that he doesn’t see it with you.  Maybe he he has no idea what he wants in a woman, one of those ” I will know it when I see it” types.  Maybe he isn’t really ready for the type of commitment you want, for various reasons.  You could say he is leading you on, but I think it is also a woman’s responsibility to see the writing on the wall.

A man who loves you and knows that he wants to be with you will show you that. That woman’s intuition is always on. If you feel like something is off, maybe it is. Maybe he doesn’t have the words to tell you what he needs…or maybe he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth.

The problem with this is that no matter what his reasoning, if it is an issue that ya’ll could potentially work on him being “too nice to tell you” is a communication FAIL. Any issue: sexual incompatibility, his feeling like you aren’t affectionate enough, that you are too affectionate, anything that he feels like is a “shortcoming” is something he can tell you. That isn’t to say that you have to decide to change for him -because trust me, you don’t have to do that- but no issue can be addressed if you aren’t aware that it is an issue.

The time that you are investing in the relationship -one that leads to nowhere- is time that you could be spending in self-reflection, meeting other people, or nurturing friendships that may have fallen to the back-burner. To the point: it is time you can spend doing something other than spinning your wheels.

While it might hurt to find out that the man you thought was your forever didn’t feel the same, the sooner you find out, the sooner you can start to move on.

That is one of the greatest kindness any man can grant you.

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