I have written this letter many times in my head. I have struck out, re-written, and revised with no real intent to send this to you…until today.
For a long time, I told myself and anyone who asked about it that I was happy for you and your new love. Maybe it was the Lover’s Holiday, but I realized something this weekend.
I know that probably doesn’t seem like the “right” thing to say, but it damn sure is the honest thing. Trust me, I did feel really petty saying that. It pleases me to know you are happy, but it hurts to know it’s not because of me. I tried to tell myself that I’m too big to play small, but something felt off about that too.
I really started to think about it. I even asked some people about it. Some people told me I could really be happy for you if I was all up, in, and under love myself. Other people told me I could be happy that someone else got something that wasn’t a fit for me. And then someone said something that blew all that other shit out of the water.
I am going to tell you what that was, but I wanted to tell you something I noticed about all the answers I got: they all included me. I know that seems kind of silly, and maybe even kind of evident, but hear me out. In both of those other scenarios, I got to chose how I felt about you in relation to me. Even if I have someone, I could still be upset that he isn’t you. Or, I could be so caught up in him that you just seem like somebody that I used to know. In the other, I just really felt like I was dodging a bullet or I was relieved that you weren’t taking up a space that wasn’t designated for you. See, life or love or time or growth made me decide that things happened the way they were supposed to.
Here’s the thing: I don’t believe that. Alright, so yeah, I absolutely believe that things happen they were they are supposed to, that everything is in Divine Order. What I don’t believe is that you aren’t it for me. I have tried to convince myself that this isn’t true harder than you know. I have prayed, meditated, affirmed, dated, fasted, to say nothing of the old “tried and true” remedy of letting time heal my wounds. Still, I have found my heart beating faster at the sound of your name and caught my breath catching at the sight of your face. I have pushed thoughts of you to the very back of my mind, tried to bury my feelings in the deepest recess of my heart just to find them catching me unawares.
So why am I telling you this? Partially, I hope that me being honest with you and myself will help me hold myself accountable. Maybe something about me burying my feelings for your kept me from really facing or releasing them, and this confrontation is going to be what helps me get got a place where I can really be happy for you…and I do mean both of you. But maybe it’s really just that I don’t choose my feelings, and I can’t think of a better way to honor them than acknowledging them and letting them be. I know that you will always have a place in my heart…even if another man ends up taking the biggest piece of it.
Loving you until…