For me, it’s always been easier to cut and run than to stay and wait for the fallout.
I can’t even say that the problem is that I’m afraid of falling, it’s more that I am afraid I’ll fall for someone who won’t let themselves fall as deeply as I do. For someone who won’t let himself go. For someone who doesn’t even know they are holding back. For someone who is always waiting for something better. For someone who isn’t sure he knows who he is or where he is going. For someone who would rather scrap everything than to build around something he might consider his one good thing.
I’m afraid of falling for someone who answers my questions with questions, someone who will probe me until the sunrises but hides himself from me like a pearl in a oyster. Someone who blows hot one minute and is cold the other. Someone who can make me feel like there is nowhere else I would rather be than in his arms and then decide to deny me entrance to that place. Someone who makes me think I am crazy when I tell him I feel like something has changed.
So what have I done instead? Put up a pseudo-impenetrable armor and challenged every would-be suitor to break it down to open the floodgates of love inside me. I have been sharp tongued when I didn’t mean to be, insensitive when conversations felt too emotional and laughed off subtle and not so subtle declarations of like. I have played an adult game of hide-and-go-seek with rules that change at my whim that might let me win the battle but ensure I ultimately lose the war. I have examined my feelings so much I run the risk of talking myself out of having them. I have made the other party agree to relationships that had to be on my terms or not at all while simultaneously hoping the he would could change the terms and make us meet on middle ground. I have led the race with a strong first leg only to pull up in the middle of the turn to see if he would keep running…and maybe more to see if he would carry me until I found my own footing.
And still, I have made what I think are grand gestures. I have cooked many a meal, made and answered many a late night phone call or text. I have shared unguarded moments wherein I shared what was on my mind and on my heart. I let him ask me questions and answered without thinking about how he would take it or how it would make me look.
They say “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. I’m not much for gambling with my money, but ever since the first time I offered it up and it was returned to me, I have never been much for gambling with my heart. I used to think my heart and my love weren’t accepted because I wasn’t worthy, which made me afraid to place myself in a position to be judged. Now I know that what I am seeking is seeking me, that I can’t make a permanent residence of a temporary dwelling.
That said, I just let myself be who I am. I let myself feel in the moment. I allow my self to be at peace with and come to terms with my feelings. I take responsibility for my role in any relationship and appreciate what is instead of worrying about what isn’t. I don’t worry about my love anymore, because my love shines through in the moment. It’s always perfect.