Just before the New Year came in, a friend asked me about my New Year’s Resolutions. I hadn’t given it any thought, so I told her I didn’t know what they would be yet. What I didn’t know is that I had been preparing myself for what would be my resolution throughout 2015.
Reflecting on it, 2015 was a hell of a year for me, professionally, personally, romantically, and financially. There were many highs, and there were many lows. It was also the year in which I have attended the most weddings in a single year; I attended 4. At each wedding, I found myself in a different mindset. At the first wedding, I was excited for the couple and found myself excited about what the rest of the year would bring. At the second I was excited because their path to the alter was not a conventional one. Being at that wedding felt like a testament to I Corinthians 13:7 and I wondered how the verse would play out in my life. At the third wedding, I was happy for the couple and a bit pissed off that I didn’t have a date. At the fourth – a beautiful New Years Eve Wedding- I was happy for the couple and wondering how I had watched 2 of my very close male friends get married and didn’t have a prospect on the horizon.
For me, 2015 was also a year that I learned quite about about myself and my beliefs. I have always believed in the Power of Manifestation, and I can say up until 2015, I was a master at it. With confidence, I asked something and I got it. I said what I wanted, and so it was…until 2015. I talked to my sister circle about how there had to be levels to this ish, because I had no idea how I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I am grateful for the many conversations that allowed me reach a new understanding.
So….I didn’t think I could have a partner until 2015. I dated, I loved, I lost, and thought that was what life had for me. I realized, not only could I have one, but that there was work required on my part to make him appear. I’d written about his qualities and found myself dating him….though I also realized the qualities I’d written about didn’t quite hit the mark. I talked to friend-girls who were going through the same things I was. We joked and lamented about the way that things were and weren’t showing up. As we talked, I realized that as I matured in my beliefs about the Power of Manifestation, more was required of me. Manifestation also requires action on my part: understanding the “why” behind the “what”, releasing what doesn’t serve, and becoming what I am asking for. It certainly hasn’t been a short or painless process.
I like to think of the Power of Manifestation as a continuum. As I said, when I first started acknowledging my ability to make things appear in my life, I didn’t need to do much more than say what I wanted and watch it show up. As I started paying more attention to how things showed up, I realized that specificity matters. The things I asked for would show up but so would some aspects that I hadn’t considered. I certainly can’t say that there isn’t learning involved when things show up that way, but I can say it requires a conscious effort to be present for the lesson. It can be very frustrating to experience the roadblocks or the lack of immediacy when you are used to things coming in an instant. Something else that becomes frustrating it feels like the joke is always on you because the thing you ask for can show up and it looks NOTHING like what you thought. It turns out to be a learning experience instead of a direct manifestation. For example; a job offer that appears to be better than what you could expect on paper. Starting the job, you realize that the job is a diamond in the rough. The hours are more than you expected, the work is starting from the bottom up, requires working long hours, meetings that take time away from the work itself and bridging HUGE communication gaps. The lumps that I have taken, the conversations I have had, have driven me to understand that the “why” is key.
Looking at the “why” has been life changing. In the past, I thought about what I wanted; the underlying assumption was always been that getting what I wanted would make me happy. This past year has certainly disproven that assumption. Looking at the “why” has also changed the “what” for me. The “whats” that I identify are generally descriptive of the things I need. I asked for a communicative partner, but I did not ask for consistency or transparency. I asked for balance, but didn’t have clarity about what my partner would balance in me. I asked for a man for all seasons, a man who would spend most of his time in spring and summer with me, but I never talked about what the winter or the fall looked like. I asked for a silent strength, but didn’t ask that he speak his truth when I asked for it.
I have since revised my list…and revised how I looked at myself. I am striving to be what I ask for.